...These are a few of my favorite gifs.

Haven't blogged in a while. Been a busy guy - got a dog, bought some crispy geometrical cereal, and learned how to properly plug a flat tire. On top of that, I stare a computer all day at work...so I'm rarely in a mood to stare at one when I come home. Though, I do happily stare at the idiot box. I'm not sure if there's much difference.

Still, I have neglected los blog. Therefore I am whipping out a meaty new post, dedicated to the art of the ANIMATED GIF. I love a good animated gif, and I hope that you do too. This is my list of my current Top 5 Favorite Gifs. (I'd love to credit the creators of some of these, so if you know, drop me a line)..

5) Hitler is not funny. Neither are watermelons. Combine the two and you've got comedy gold:



4) I found this on my friend Jessi's profile. Get down, Jean Claude, get down:



3) This makes me laugh for real hard. I'm sure it's from some video or game that came out 2 years ago, and I'm only now finding this nugget...but I care not. Look at that mean ass bunny!



2) It might be slightly blasphemous to a trekkie like myself, but good god, I could stare at Riker for hours (I found this posted by Seb on my friend Taylor's myspace page):



1) Afro ninja attacked by floating Cosby head shooting lazers from eyes. You had me at hello.



And here are some runners-up:
meow
TNG variation
Iron Brian
mo naked hoes
spin kick
moustache

Hey 2006, fuck to you!

This year, I resolved to start my year without a New Year's Resolution. But now that it's the 15th of the month, I'm starting to think that perhaps I started off on the wrong foot, and I've now decided to put forth a Middle-of-January's Resolution. I need to thoroughly remove the residue of 2006 from my life. In fact, I had some serious beefs (what is the plural of beef - beefes? beeves?) with 2006, and I'd like to air them before I tread any further into '07. This is almost a Costanza-esque airing of grievances, but mostly it's just bitching and moaning. Here goes:

• This was the year of the "may" instead of "can" correction people. You know these assholes. Ask a simple "can I" question, and they respond with a "yes you MAAAAY" totally overemphasizing the 'may', calling attention to your improper English. There's a lady at the bank who does this to me every time I ask for a checking deposit slip. In 2007, I resolve to create a new word that this bitch cannot correct: "Hi, crambledank I get a checking deposit slip?" Also, I'm sick of you high-falutin' turds who are doing "well" as opposed to "good". I realize the adjective/adverb conflict that's going on in your brain when I say "I'm good"...but suck it up. Good is a fantastic word, with it's creamy double-vowel center, flanked by two big, meaty consonants.

• 2006 dished out a number of debilitating illnesses in a mere 365 days. From the stomach virus in April that had me convinced I would soon vomit up my own spleen, to the flu that caused me to spend this past New Years Eve alone and wheezing. In 2007, I resolve to stock up on vitamin C and Vick's Vapor Rub, to wash my hands with lye and bleach regularly, and to stop licking doorknobs. It's a disgusting habit, I know.

• The most fun I'd ever had was being in a bona fide rock band. And one of the biggest letdowns was seeing it all implode just as we were gaining momentum. And I'm happily blaming the year of '06 for that. 2006 presented The Cheap Seats with douche bag booking guys, douche bag club owners, douche bag van rental guys, douche bag dudes from other bands, and other general douches with whom we had to deal (like that "millionaire" bigot who cornered Nick and I after a Va Beach show so he could share his beliefs on how Mexicans were making his town "smell bad"). In 2007, I resolve to sell my amplifier, and play only songs about bloody noses and girls lost at sea...on a harp. (I should note that I/we did manage to make a lot of new friends, meet some very un-douchey people, and have plenty of good times, but that's not as fun to detail in a blog.)

• In 2006, my car was viciously attacked by a tree while driving back to work from lunch. I was happily motoring along, hands at 10 and 2, not disturbing any trees, shrubs, or foliage, when something violently struck the rear end of my innocent import. This bloodthirsty tree did approximately $1700 worth of damage, which my insurance company refused to cover. In 2007, I resolve to write the National Arbor Day Foundation informing them that they're cheerleaders for a bunch of violent and vengeful bullies who like to wreak havoc by ferociously hurtling their heavy and dense bodies upon our unsuspecting homes, vehicles, and on occasion our own persons.

• It wasn't me. Really, '06 was behind that whole trend of sending really weird and inappropriate myspace messages/comments. I realize they've caused a degree of awkwardness between us, but I'm content to let 2006 take the fall if you are. In 2007, I resolve to install a breathalyzer on my computer.

• I've never received more spam than I did in 2006. Good lord, that's a whole lotta spam. Believe it or not, though, I'm not miffed. I kinda like the occasional "break down walls with your johnson" advertisement. I'm just proposing that 2007 spammers be a little more creative in their attempts, like the ones I get from some entity called Premier Pharmacy. Every week a different sales rep writes to me to let me know about the specials. To date, here are the reps who've contacted me: Mealtime B. Woody, Settable O. Theorist, Eats H. Nostradamus, Diaries Q. Utilitarianism, Bucketed U. Uninvited, and (my personal favorite), Dovetails V. Butternut. I swear to God, I did not make these up. In 2007, I resolve to break down walls with my johnson with just a little help from Dovetails V. Butternut.

Yup, 2006 was balls, but 2007 already smells like a winner. I think I have a decent resolution going. Maybe I'll update it again soon. According to the Chinese calendar, I've got time...the Eastern calendar's new year doesn't start for another few weeks. Plus, according to the Chinese zodiac, this is the year of the pig (which is okay), but according to my own personal zodiac, this is the year of the Eagle-headed Cyborg Mantis. He promises that '07 will rule hardcore, and I'm inclined to believe every word he says. Happy Middle-of-January.

Just One Channel

Up until December 3rd, my high speed internet and cable account was under my brother's name. This is because he once lived with me in my Southside home until the stench of unwashed Stereolab t-shirts was more than I could endure. (Actually, I think he moved out because he learned that I was secretly planning to stuff his pillow with the massive clumps of red hair left in the drain after his marathon showers). But really man, if you ever want to return, you're welcome - just as long as you maintain a completely shaven status.

Right, so he used to live with me. Us. My roommate and I. And because he was a newbie to Richmond at the time, we used his name to sign up for our Comcast service, thinking we could get a new customer promotional deal. I think we did, but it expired after a few short months, and we were eventually selling our kidneys to pay for high speed boobies.

So when my superbrohossbeast moved out of Richmond entirely, he naturally completed all the change of address forms and informed the billing people at Comcast that he'd no longer be here. And so my roomie and I were forced to cancel service, then get a brand-spankin' new contract started. And with a brand-spankin' new contract surely comes a bitchin' promotional discount deal, right? WRONG. Here are the offers we were presented:

10 boring channels (PAX was surprisingly included) for $9.95

or

100+ channels for $120.00

That's it. No other alternatives. So immediately we started looking over those 100+ channels to see what kind of goodies we could expect. There's a surprisingly high concentration of cable channels geared towards middle-aged women and the fine people of our Hispanic culture. This would be especially appealing if I was Latino and female. But since I am neither, Lifetime, Lifetime-Espanol, Oxygen, Oxygen-Espanol, WE, and WE-Espanol are channels that I will probably never ever watch.

My gut reaction was to ask if we could just pick some channels we'd like, and pay individually per channel. No dice. In fact, this got quite a laugh from the Comcast ladies. I'm sorry you old bags, I'm not versed in the rules and regulations of cable acquisition. I watch it, that's about it.

But I did take the time to fill out one of those little Comcast Customer Comment Cards (or a "CCCC"). I pitched my idea of pay-per-channel. In the event that they take me up on the idea, here are the channels I would like to order (most of which are not real, but I'm sure Comcast could make these happen):

Channel 36 - BallzTV:

Nothing but jiggling scrotums all the time with a soundtrack provided by Yoko Ono. Why? Unwanted houseguests. Got some uninvited shitheads who won't leave? Just put this on, crank it up, and stare longingly at BallzTV. They'll go away, I promise.

Ch'krak Shevkal (That's Klingon for Channel Awesome):
All Star Trek, all the time. Mostly episodes of TNG, but an occasional episode of the original series during work hours, and some interspersed episodes of the other series when there's a crossover. Like on Enterprise when Commander Riker pulled up a holodeck recreation of Captain Archer to determine what his predecessor might do when confronted with a difficult decision. I wish I had a holodeck. I wish I was a Starfleet officer.

Channel 3 - Old People Falling Down:
Take all the America's Funniest Home Videos, Maximum Exposure, and similar shocking home video shows, and edit out anything that doesn't involve some unexpected bodily injury befalling our elderly citizens, and let the good times roll. I like it when the old people fall off the dock trying to get into some dumpy little boat. Broken hips + near drowning = Matt cackling like a hyena.

Channel 999 - The How Its Made Channel:
Ever wonder how a combination lock is made? Or how a moon pie gets coated perfectly in chocolate? Or how a cheez puff gets puffed? Yeah, me neither. But there's a real show like this on The Science Channel, and its wicked interesting to watch it all happen. So why not dedicate an entire channel to it?

Channel 78 - Boobies TV:
Needs no explanation.

Channel 324 - KCC (Karate Chop Channel):

This channel would demonstrate how to properly karate chop various objects throughout your day, whether those objects be unsuspecting people, disappointing DVD rentals, or giant blocks of cheese. If you need to know how to karate chop it - this is your channel. The most watched show on this channel will probably be "Neck Chops with Chan" where an unassuming, small Asian man proceeds to karate chop the necks of anyone and everyone. Much like the way Emeril's "BAM, kick it up a notch!" phrase briefly swept our unfortunate nation, Chan's catch phrase of "NECK CHOP, choppin' up a neck!" will catch on in similar fashion.

So that's it. Get on it, Comcast. If I had those channels, I'd be content. Or, if you wanted to just compile the themes of all these channels into one 24-hour-a-day show where Captain Jean Luc Picard zips around the galaxy with his balls hanging out, karate chopping hot, topless alien women, then showing them how to manufacture combination locks and moonpies, all to a soundtrack by Europe (just for balance), I would only need that one channel. Oh, and if he had sex with these hot alien gals, I could cancel my internet service as well.

I'm gonna go write my congressman.